August 20, 2010 · 2:47 pm
Another task in my recent writing class was to imagine a character who had lost everything in a fire. All people and animals are fine, but the belongings, the “stuff” of their life is gone. I did not need a moment. My hand flew across the page and by the end of the short assignment, I came to a startling realization about my mother. My sister and I have spent the past two years creating time together to look through all of my mother’s memories beginning with clothing and continuing with personal letters and important papers. Over and over again we exclaim, “Why did she save everything?” I have come to a happy conclusion and am once again in awe of my mother’s ability to transcend time and space to visit us and remain an active part of our lives.
Lost in the Fire
She slowly sat down on the curb, letting the officers words sink in, “There is nothing left,” what did that mean? She mentally walked through the small house, one room at a time, (there were only three) and now somehow, what had seemed so small, suddenly seemed filled with so much. Each closet had held years worth of memories organized on shelves; those that no one knew of, others she didn’t even remember, and now, without the visual reminders and tactile images, those memories would be lost forever.
There had been boxes of family photos dating back to the 1870’s sealed with ancient tape, and too many albums, the oldest photos pasted on black paper with curly script descriptions and names of unfamiliar people who had immigrated, leaving all of their belongings behind, she was not so different from them now. All of the lovely cards from her father’s train travels as a salesman for women blouses written in flowery prose to her sister, her mother and to the child she once was, were lost along with the Western Union Telegrams with short messages stating safe arrivals in other states. There had been collections of timeless watches, cuff links now obsolete, tiepins from her father and embroidered handkerchiefs from her mother. Memories no longer relevant in today’s disposable world, yet cherished objects that had been held in the hands of her loved ones. She had everything. She was the last in line and as loved ones departed, their precious mementos became hers. Three sets of china and crystal wine glasses that had toasted happier times could not withstand the intense heat and flames and the silver whose patterns had been carefully selected and listed on wedding registries were molten globs of useless metal.
The books, there had been hundreds carefully organized by genre, favorite short story collections, architecture, poetry and the history of the city she loved. There were picture books, the most special and those signed by authors reflecting a second career managing a children’s bookstore. The books were gone too, and in a sense, part of her that was irreplaceable. She was older now and her memory lapsed when trying to conjure up titles and authors. Files of papers she wanted to save, to refer to and relive another day were ashes now. The years she had spent teaching had been housed in one file box including letters of admiration from former students and the most precious, the certificates, accommodations and articles about her innovative teaching style in the educational journals.
Who would remember now? How would her family know who she was, who she had been, after she was gone? The mementos were really not for her, after all, but for her daughters, so they would know who she really was, for she was far too shy to boast and thought they would be bored hearing about those long deceased relatives-people they had never known. She had always meant to write things down, to create a family history, a journal but life had been busy and the later years consisted of medical appointments, senior classes at the Community College and occasional lunches with the ladies (her posse of four). Suddenly she noticed that reading with fading eyes was strained and writing with stiff hands became a challenge she was too tired to tackle. The memories were the links to the past and now that past was gone. She sat wondering, imagining a journey, slowly fading, becoming lighter, paler, quieter, ceasing to move and even a drop of water on the tongue became too much to bear.
August 18, 2010 · 10:13 pm
The view while dining...
There is nothing quite as nice as spending a relaxing day with a dear friend and today was that day. My good friend Laura and I took a nice drive to a lovely resort-Terrania walking the grounds and dining at the grill overlooking the ocean. This is heaven! We ate a great lunch with the ocean breeze blowing and the warm sun shining down on our shoulders. Following lunch, we walked along the ocean path gazing at the turquoise sea below.
What a view!
This site formerly housed Marineland, and I remember going as a child to see the marine animals. There is currently a path along the cliff that leads to a small private beach. I really can’t think of a more lovely location. So all of this beauty inspires me to think seriously about beach living. Why is it we are drawn to the beach as we get older? I find myself transfixed by the sea, the pelicans, the waves and dolphins frolicking in the surf. Is it possible that change can be positive? Maybe all things really do lead to the sea.
August 14, 2010 · 9:54 pm
I started day one of a two-day writer’s workshop today, entitled Discovering Our Muse. What a treat! I got to spend the entire day at UCLA, with 12 other devoted writers and a wonderful teacher to guide us through writing exercises designed to get the creative juices flowing. If I had any doubts about the timing of starting a writing program, today confirmed that now is the time. Today I felt like me and I felt connected to the DNA that apparently established this deep desire to write. I am still not quite sure about my eventual writing genre, but the desire to write is so overpowering that I am sure this is my path. Today I discovered that I am more fearful of not writing, than I am about making the commitment to write. Here is my answer to the writing prompt: “Sometimes I’m afraid of becoming someone…”
Sometimes I’m afraid of becoming someone who never really learns from her mistakes. My life has been a series of roller coaster rides up and down a journey of life in L.A. The highs consisting of fantastic travel experiences, meals out at various restaurants, homes filled with “things” I thought I had to have, and weekends chilling on the California Riviera and the lows directly below with everything magically disappearing as if it never was.
Usually when one repeatedly rides a roller coaster, or drives through a winding canyon, the curves and bumps become predictable and one builds up immunity to the queasy feeling, the butterflies in the stomach and the wretched nausea implied in the words, “I told you so,” or “here we go again.” That hasn’t been the case for me because the temporary view from the top is so engaging that my blinders go up and I have a hard time anticipating the inevitable fall.
Lately, my fear of repeating patterns is becoming stronger than my desire to bask in that heavenly glow. My mid-life is bringing certain things into focus, such as the rapid approach of qualifying for an AARP membership, senior discounts at the movies and those early bird specials. In my foolish youth, I was immortal and invincible. My life’s tools consisted of a giant eraser and a bottle of whiteout, that accompanied me on my travels down my life-path conveniently wiping out major blunders. In my young adulthood, I became the expert role player; able to emulate those I aspired to be by simply accumulating the trappings of their seemingly perfect life. That didn’t work. Now, I have come to an understanding that who I really am, is who I am meant to be and that the only way to alleviate the fear of failure is to accept the possibility that my path might venture around a corner and I will have to muster up that blind faith that will allow me to take the necessary chances and make the changes needed to reach my goal.
Sometimes I’m afraid of becoming someone who never really learns from her mistakes, so with that in mind, I am developing a plan, a learning curve, to teach myself how to become a learner. I am organizing a real-life class to teach myself how to move forward without taking two steps back each time. I am reinventing, reflecting and rediscovering the important elements in my life and working out a way to invite myself to partake in these real moments and make them my future.
July 18, 2010 · 3:34 pm
Yosemite is not exactly “to infinity” but there is a world of difference between daily life at home, and daily life in Yosemite. Camping is definitely the way to appreciate the finer things in life, like the smell of pine, the chirping of birds the smell of a campfire and the hum of mosquitoes. I was attacked by mosquitoes the first night we arrived and sported welts for the remainder of the trip, even after dousing unhealthy amounts of organic, environmentally friendly plant-based mosquitos repellant on every square inch of my body. I tried wipes, spray and lotion but the mosquitoes loved them all equally.
I have to learn to get into the zen of mosquitoes (the little blood-suckers) but since I have not mastered that yet, the respite in the wilderness did not provide a sense of serenity for me. I enjoyed the hikes and the amazing, huge waterfalls and the special family time, but I think that the next time I go camping, it will be during a cooler time, before mosquitoes hatch.
Returning to civilization was amplified by my attendance at a 4-day long course teaching the integration of the arts (music, dance, drama and visual arts) into language arts and math instruction. This was a great class and I came away with many creative ideas which I plan to use this year, but residing for 6 hours a day in the middle of the hot valley (110 degrees) in a run-down middle school, is a far cry from Yosemite, which brings me to the title of today’s post. How can I get beyond? Beyond living day to day, paycheck to paycheck, beyond the normalcy of my life? I have to take the leap! It is not enough to just desire to write, I have to live the life of a writer. I have found my first writing class and it is time to sign up. The infinity is my creativity and imagination and I am prepared to open the tap and let it flow.
July 5, 2010 · 6:38 pm
The countdown for our camping trip has begun and the last-minute gathering of supplies is upon us. Time for lists and enlisting help! This is our first official camping trip in years, since the girls were younger and we were able to escape from the trappings of life more easily. Now, work schedules are unforgiving and three adult daughters have agendas of their own. That being said, it is a major accomplishment that we actually got all of our schedules to coincide for five days. Thursday morning we leave at dawn for the drive to the ever-enchanting Yosemite! This is the first place I ever camped, back at the age of 24, having just met my future-husband and willing to try new adventures. The park holds a dear place in my heart. We took our oldest daughter there when she was three and watched her play in the low river, ankle-deep. Another trip found the two younger girls captivated by the multitude of pine needles perfect for constructing small villages and houses, which kept them occupied for hours.
What is it about being in the forest that brings the imagination forward? I am looking forward to a reprieve from technology, a break from schedules and breathing clean, mountain air. I am excited about our new smaller tent, just for us. The girls will have their own tent this time. We are meeting my oldest daughter and her boyfriend as well as his parents, whom we’ve not met. It will be a family affair, complete with campfires, stories and s’mores. This is the stuff of memories; the ones we remember and the new ones we are creating.
July 4, 2010 · 11:20 am
If only it were as easy to cleanse the soul as it is to cleanse the body. Not that the detox cleanse is without thought or a bit of work, but the amount of work it takes to confront memories, to delve into unresolved issues of the soul and to come to terms with current reality is much more complicated. I am sitting in what was my mother’s living room on the sofa from our soon to be gone mountain cabin. I am surrounded by an atmosphere thick with emotions and tinged with slight sadness. This is the room where two summers ago, I sat on my mother’s couch, rubbing her tired legs, reading her stories from the StoryCorp book I got her for her August birthday. This is where we shared secrets and memories, losses and dreams. This is where she revealed her feelings and fears to me and while I am grateful for that time and the fact that I devoted the summer to her and really being present while with my mother, I am angry that I didn’t get more time, ask more questions and hold her more.
Loss is a tricky partner that pokes its head up at various times in our lives. It is two-faced and can be cherished or disastrous. Loss, as in weight loss, is usually a welcome friend not easy to obtain and the loss of toxins in the body-as in detox cleanse-is a challenging but rewarding experience. The loss of a person, however, is heavy, pronged with memories, and unsaid words of love. The only way to prevent these feelings for me is to participate in a voluntary cleanse of my material life, and to focus on the emotional part of my life-that which is important.
I have two categories for my personal cleanse challenge:
To Keep:
Family (relationships)
Friends (relationships)
Sentimental items
Legally required papers
Books I will read again
To Let Go:
Clothes that are outdated or don’t make me feel good
Knickknacks that have lost their meaning
Unnecessary gadgets
Unnecessary papers
Books that are a one-time read
That is a good, manageable start. Five items. My new motto being: “Don’t delay, a shelf a day.”
June 28, 2010 · 5:58 pm
Today I spent the day in Hollywood at the lovely Wilshire Park Elementary school. The math training I am attending is hosted by the publisher and they graciously provided us with breakfast and lunch. I had planned ahead and brought my food, but not enough for a long day with no access to other foods. I had my muesli breakfast and coffee, which sustained me for quite a while.
We had a break at 9:30 and I ate cottage cheese, almonds and a green apple and felt great until lunch. Unfortunately, our lunch time is 11:00-11:45, which is very early, leaving 4 hours of class in the afternoon and then a long drive home. The lunch provided looked great, but I had brought a salad, chicken and corn “rice” cakes. I added a little of the provided salad and a bit of vegetarian pasta sauce (no pasta). By about 2:30 I was hungry with no options, so I drank my water and tried to think of what to bring tomorrow to stave off hunger.
I need portable filling snacks! Ideas? Tonight I am going to venture out to Poquito Mas for some steak tacos. No cheese! I feel so good and lighter, healthier, but it is a challenge to be on the go and stick to the detox. I like a challenge though, so I am up for it. Thirteen days to go!
So the question of the day is: How is math like detox? The answer? Both involve problem solving. Teaching problem solving to children is like opening a new world of ideas for them. It is empowering and they love to figure out the answer themselves. Sticking to the detox cleanse is like that too. I am solving my eating questions and coming up with solutions, with a bit of guidance from my patient teacher Olga.
Feeling empowered is a lovely thing.
June 27, 2010 · 7:18 pm
Breakfast!
It’s the weekend! Usually this means a drastic change in routine, but since it is summer, the fun just continues. Saturday I started the day with muesli, mana bread with almond butter and coffee. I went to Curves and then came home to start my CLEANING REGIME! I am determined to sort through, clean, recycle, toss, and organize everything in my house. I will get it condensed to a reasonable amount of “stuff” so that I am prepared for all possible outcomes to our housing nightmare. This is why I need strength and control.
Speaking of control, I am finding that I very much enjoy the structure and control of exercise when SOMEONE ELSE IS TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! I have figured out that that is why I like the peaceful bliss of yoga (my teacher tells me what to do pose by pose), Curves (the recording tells me when to change stations in the large oval circuit, and Couch To 5k which tells me when to run and walk. I have far too much on my mind to add exercise directions, but I am a willing participant.
I continued the rest of my Saturday with a lunch of salad with grilled chicken, a snack of almonds and a special dinner out. We met my cousins in Santa Monica at Real Food Daily where I had the yummy Pizza ya can Eat-za, which is a cornmeal crust with sun-dried tomato pesto, tomatoes, spinach, soy mozzarella cheese, basil served with kale and cannelini beans. This place is great when on the detox cleanse because everything on the menu is basically OK. There are a few sugary items and I admit to having a couple of bites of soy ice cream-while not sweetened with sugar, was sweetened with molasses bits, I believe. I really didn’t desire more than a bite, which is very unusual for me. I had water with lemon and Egyptian Mint Green Tea after eating. Success!
"Pizza ya can eat-za" from Read Food Daily
Today I started with scrambled egg and onions, berries and mana bread. I then went for a great hike with a friend Jill, in Red Rock Canyon. This was a little more than 2 miles, and Charlie came along. He was pretty pooped by the end of the hike and happy to get back to Jill’s. Jill treated me to a lunch/snack of fruit and a cottage cheese/flax oil blend which we had like a spread/dip with rice cake. This was a very sustaining snack. At home I had a little evening snack of left over “pizza” from last night and a few almonds. Dinner will be light.
I have completed the first week! What have I learned?
1. Be prepared.
2. Keep great food in the house.
3. Eat small portions.
4. Drink your water!
5. Keep busy and exercise.
June 25, 2010 · 11:48 pm
Today the word is accept and I have been hearing that word lately in various settings. For example: don’t resist, find contentment and basically accept the place you are in. I am working on this on many levels.
For one thing, I am accepting my new food menu. Today started with the delicious Muesli I made last night. It was a great way to start the day and was fresh and gave me a lot of energy.
Yummy breakfast!
I made a special lunch of a corn tortilla with a slice of turkey and slices of organic, raw milk cheese which I put under the broiler for just a few minutes. I added a touch of salsa and…fantastic! unfortunately Charlie was in the kitchen with me, so no picture. I think I have found a solution to that though, tonight I gave him a bite of chicken right after snapping a picture and he seems content.
Dinner was a fresh green salad topped with broiled chicken which was just perfect after my 30 minute run/walk at the gym.
Dinner: fresh salad with broiled chicken
I just had to try the recipe for peanut butter banana muffins and they were yummy. I added the cacao bits for an extra treat. It is nice to know I can have some treats. I ate it with raspberries, boysenberries and strawberries.
Peanut Butter Banana Muffin with a little extra treat.
I am going to work on accepting where I am and really try to be open to opportunities and change. Change is not always a bad thing, it can lead to something positive. It is time to stop resisting and to accept where I am in my life now. This also means accepting those in my life for who they are and trying to stop attempting to change the habits of others. That’s a tricky one, but I am going to give it a shot. Wish me luck!
June 24, 2010 · 10:03 pm
Well, well, I am learning new things every day. Today I am learning about probiotic and how they help you digestion. I am not talking the run-of-the-mill yogurt, but actually kefir, sauerkraut and a supplement. I am trying to find my favorite and I am all about the easy way out. If I am going to stick to something, it has to be easy, pretty quick and convenient. I am preparing my food ahead of time and putting a little planning into organizing my food so I can find what I need quickly and just grab it and eat it.
I am thinking about my second to last power word: trust. Trust is not just about trusting other people, it is also about trusting yourself. Trust is a challenging thing because we can never really know what is inside the mind of another person and small lies slip easily from the tongue. We hope we can trust ourselves, but sometimes it is as if we have two personalities: the trustworthy and the sneaky. The trustworthy is there deep down, all the time but the sneaky one likes to do what ever it wants to do, be that eating foods that don’t promote health, or lying around instead of exercising. My challenge is to find the ability to trust myself to do something that is really good for me. It is putting the immediate urges aside for the long-term good. I feel better after only 4 days because I am lighter and working hard to do everything I can do to make this 21 days very worthwhile.
Today I started the day with lemon water and Curves and then had my eggs and onions breakfast. I had a short swim and then salad with a little tuna for lunch. Snack, a hand full of almonds. Lots of water! An hour-long walk with a friend and then veggies and rice left from last night. I ended the evening with a Relax and Renew Yoga class at the gym, taught by my favorite teacher. Ahhhhhhhh! Now I am going to try the Old Fashioned Muesli recipe to prepare for tomorrow’s breakfast.
BetweenTheWords 