March 9, 2011 · 10:23 pm

Crying in the Pharmacy

Tonight I stopped in to the Kaiser 24 Hour Pharmacy to quickly pick up a couple of prescriptions and though I thought it would be a quick errand, I ended up in a line of about 25 others with similar intentions, crammed against the back wall of a packed waiting room.  As we proceeded at a Zen pace, one step at a time, towards the front of the line, I was struck by the loud, antagonistic conversation of an elderly couple sitting together in the front row, he in a chair, and she beside him in a hospital wheel chair.

 

“Look, your name is up there.  Do you see it?” the husband inquired of his wife.

 

She sat, with eyes as red as her jacket, hunched over, hands trembling, slowly nodding “no.”

 

“Why can’t you see it?  It keeps showing up in the corner up there on the screen.  You just won’t try!  Why won’t you even try to learn anything new?”

 

Her sadness at disappointing her long-time husband was evident even to me, a bystander in the line.

 

Suddenly, a small woman ran up to them, “Don’t worry, I am in the line.  I have to stay in the line.  You just sit here.”  The Filipino caretaker provided short-lived comfort to the agitated gentleman.  He nodded, as if understanding, but then, two minutes later, he was at it again.

 

“Nancy, why won’t you even try?  Look, there’s your name again.”

 

Nancy shook her head, confused, not understanding what she was missing, what she was doing wrong.

 

The caregiver ran out of line again to gently pat their shoulders, to assure them that she was in line and my heart went out to all of them.  It was not that long ago that I was the comforter, depending on the kindness of others to help me take care of my elderly mother.  I asked the others in line if they would mind if I let the caregiver get in front of me in line and all agreed.  I went to get her at the end of the line and she smiled softly, “Are you sure it’s ok?”

 

“Yes. You need to be at the front of the line.”

 

“I brought her into Emergency at 1:00 this afternoon.”

 

It was now 8:00 at night.

 

How much suffering had they all endured that day?  It broke my heart and tears welled in my eyes.  A gentleman in a yarmulke was up ahead of me in the line and I motioned to him. He motioned for the caregiver to get in front of him.  I went to reassure the couple that their caregiver had shifted positions and was further ahead in the line.  The gentleman nodded understanding.

 

Even as she was finally called to the counter to get the prescriptions her head rotated between the counter and the couple, continually checking, allowing them to make eye contact and assuring her presence.  It was then that I felt the tears slipping out of my eyes.

 

Their vulnerability, her compassion, it was too much to bear as my mother’s presence swirled around me as comfortable as a memory foam pillow holding her permanent impression.  I felt my heart softly pounding and the familiar lump in my throat, but at the same time, the hint of warm happiness at having made a small difference to someone, settled in too.

 

As the caretaker assured the gentleman that Nancy did not have to stand up and walk out of the pharmacy, that it was ok for her to be wheeled out, they made their way to the door.  The caregiver sending me a smile and delivering one to the man in the yarmulke as she passed him gathering his medication for his sick, blanket wrapped daughter.

 

I was at the front of the line.  I paid for my prescription and inquired about a suggestion form.  Shouldn’t there be a line for the elderly and critically sick?  Why should they have to wait in line so long, when it only ups the magnitude of their suffering?

 

We can’t all make big differences daily, move mountains, or make millions and donate them to charity.  We can’t all invent the next new technology or travel on peacekeeping missions in foreign countries, but we can all show at least one act of kindness a day.

 

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February 2, 2011 · 11:04 pm

To Get Things Started…Move Forward

 

The "circle" of life.

 

We have recently been having some traffic snafus on Topanga School Road, leading to traffic gridlock at dismissal time.  After Caltrans came out to take a look, they discovered that drivers were not moving forward onto the circular signal monitors and the lights were not triggered to change.  This was causing endless frustration for drivers trying to leave the cul-de-sac School Road, and the children who were waiting for their parents, stuck at the bottom of the hill to pick them up.

It reminds me a lot of life.  We spend a great deal of time politely waiting behind the white line for something to happen in our lives when simply moving forward can trigger the change we are looking for.  It might take just a little effort.  We might have to take our foot off the brake and coast a little, but once we roll onto that circle, the signal light can turn green.  We can move forward and after all, who knows what is around the next curve?

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January 20, 2011 · 8:57 pm

Nothing is ever simple.

 

Some days are just like this.

 

Life sometimes grabs you by surprise, and when you least expect it, just when things are rolling nicely along. a moon pops up just as you are jumping for joy.  Today was that kind of day.  I am a bewildered cow today, just hanging on, waiting for the recuperating weekend.  I have taken to bribing myself with special evening and weekend rewards-just for making it through the rest of life, you know, the driving in traffic, working, managing a house and finances, not to mention the extreme amount of maintenance it takes to keep up appearances.  My reward preferences are:

*A lingering visit to the gym that includes not only the mandatory walking and lovely yoga, but a special sauna and nice long, on someone else’s dime, shower complete with Kiehl’s soap and shampoo.

*A facial, anytime, anywhere.

*A massage, ditto.

*A pedicure (OK, I guess it is obvious I want to be pampered)!

*A walk on the path between Will Rogers Beach and the Santa Monica Pier (I am saving up for a cool cruiser bike)!  Advice anyone?  Best brand, best seat, gears or no gears-I’d like to take it to Mammoth to cruise around this summer too.

*Sitting in the movies with my hubby, escaping into an adventure, another place or another person’s life.

*Reading a good book.

*Writing while sitting on my worn green sofa with the holiday lights that frame my window casting a soft glow.

*Dozing on the above mentioned sofa with my darling dog, Charlie (he is the reason the sofa is worn and we have given up getting him to stay off the sofa) who is spoiled beyond belief, but also very helpful in helping me achieve my 10,000 steps as his favorite reward is to have me get up and walk over to the sliding door to let him in and out every 5 minutes.

So, the mug in the photo, with the bewildered cow, belonged to my mother.  She often encountered the surprises of life, and rewarded herself with a cup of coffee and the chance to read anything and everything.  I miss her, and the talks we had in the afternoon when I got home from work.  She was an ever-present ear to my venting and even if she tired of hearing me vent, she never made me stop until I was finished.  I miss that unconditional love, unending companionship and understanding.  I still talk to her, but the part I miss the most, is the advice and answers she held for me.  Sometimes, the answers to my ponderings are whispered to me by a little voice I can only assume is hers.  When your DNA is entwined with that of another, it is inevitable that the connection is permanent.

 



 

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January 12, 2011 · 10:55 pm

Ah, The Sweet Smell of a Good Book!

 

Heaven

 

I have to admit that to me, there is nothing that smells as sweet as the smell of a new book.  It can be fresh off the shelf of a bookstore, musty from the library or passed along by a good friend, but the anticipation in combination with the warm, word-filled pages, fills me with happiness. For me, real books are more desirable than their high-tech cousins, though on the treadmill, I really appreciate the iPad’s flat ability to stand on the small provided ledge, the ease of turning the pages with the flick of my finger and especially the ability to make the print really large, and there is something nice about being read to while driving about in the car via books on tape, but real books will always be my favorite.

I often long for the entrance into another world, a journey that takes me away from reality and into another reality with new friends and problems to solve.  I will read almost any book, any genre, but my favorites are the novels with characters aching to become my forever friends.  It is for this reason that I was filled with glee when I opened up my email this morning and saw an email from the public library announcing that a book was being held for me.  I had been number 300 something on the waiting list and had almost forgotten that I had placed the hold on this book:

 

Escape at last!

 

 

but now it is in my hands, all 292 pages wrapped in a lovely turquoise blue cover.  I have to smile that the author’s name, Aimee, is mine spelled in the fancy way I always wished for. A kinship already!  So tonight, everything is on hold.  Tonight I am cuddling up on the sofa for a much-needed escape to places unknown.  I can’t wait!

P.S.  If you are reading this, please post a comment with your current favorite read!


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January 5, 2011 · 9:28 pm

Addicted

 

OK, it’s official and I really never thought that I would say this, but I am addicted to exercise.  If you knew the family I come from, you would be equally shocked because I grew up without an exercise role model and was not encouraged to take pricey after school dance classes, or to participate in athletics at school.  I have had to learn on my own.  As I have mentioned in a previous post, I have committed to a 10,000 Step a Day program in the quest for improved health in 2011.  I have found it nearly impossible to acquire the required number of steps without a good solid hour walk, on the treadmill, or outside, weather permitting.

As I left the gym this morning I was smiling and had a jaunty little bounce in my step.  All that walking seems to have a positive effect on me.  I know the endorphin theory and I am a believer, but this afternoon when I pondered a second trip to the gym, or perhaps just a walk around the block, I knew I was hooked.  I am craving it!

As addictions go, exercise is a nice one to admit to.  I don’t think there is even an organization for exercise addicts-haven’t heard of Exercisers Anonymous.  I am just going to continue to bask in the sweaty after-glow and contemplate the addition of running to my regime.  I am considering the Disneyland 5K.  Join me?

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January 3, 2011 · 8:53 pm

Treadmill

It is always there waiting for me...

Treadmill

I approach you, with your gleaming sides and surefooted surface,

Somewhat more confident than when I first met you.

Now, I know your conveniences: iPod plugs, headphone jacks, book rest and TV monitors lined up at attention just above eye level.

I can watch your “track” to monitor my progress, raise and lower speed and incline automatically

and walk,

rain or shine.

I’ve become comfortable with you

and enjoy your company.

I always feel better,

elated even,

after spending an hour walking,

and have taken to bringing

reading material

to allow for multi-tasking.

I listen to background music,

read,

walk.

I am on the road to 10,000 steps a day

And the treadmill is my new best friend.

Life has a lot in common with a treadmill.

It keeps moving and you just have to hop on and keep stride,

though you can set your own pace.

Sometimes it can be all uphill,

but you do get stronger for the effort.

Sometimes there are lovely distractions.

Most of the time, there are just your thoughts to keep you company.

Some may think a treadmill is pointless because you just stay in the same place and don’t go anywhere,

but it’s not true.

By taking the time to walk, I am getting somewhere I want to be.

The treadmill comes with certain guarantees:  availability, consistency, and options.  Just like life.

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January 1, 2011 · 9:38 pm

Create 2011

Dreams and a Plan 2011

My New Year’s Day tradition is to create a collage visualization of my hopes, dreams and plans for the New Year and so this afternoon I sat down at the kitchen table with my husband and youngest daughter (who is 19)  and spent a pleasant couple of hours scanning magazines for inspirational words and photos.  My 2011 collage has a theme:  Create.  That is also the word that popped into my head during a Winter Solstice meditation with Diana Lang two weeks ago.  I take it to mean that I can create the life I want, and it doubles as inspiration to create art and the written word.  My plan has three categories:

1.  Create health & peace of mind

2. Create and maintain relationships

3.  Create art

I will create a more healthy lifestyle by developing the habit of exercise at Equinox and Curves and integrating it into my daily life.  I have chosen the 10,000 Steps walking program and I have my spiffy new pedometer to track my daily steps.  I have realized that if I walk (either on the treadmill or an extended walk with Charlie, my dog) for an hour, I can rack up the steps fairly easily.  I am also committing to yoga at least twice a week.  This also helps with creating peace of mind, but is definitely a good strength training routine as well.  I will continue with resistance training to help build bone strength.  The big news is my recent re-acquaintance with Weight Watchers.  I am attending weekly meetings and making daily use of eTools to track my food. I have come to the conclusion that tracking creates the discipline I need to succeed.  I am proud to say that In the past month I have really become mindful of the food I eat and am excited with the 5 lb. weight loss!

Charlie, my walking buddy, on the way home from his bath. Note the cute scarf?

I will create peace of mind by tracking my spending and saving habits too, and will continue my money education and devotion to becoming money-wise.  By tracking my habits on mint.com I will have a realistic visual of where my money is going and how I can gain control even in these tough economic times, taking into account  furlough days and the cutbacks imposed on education by lack of State funding.

I am open to creating new friendships and devoted to maintaining those I have.  I will continue to nurture the friends and family I am blessed to have in my life presently and appreciate these relationships.  I am taking a positive path to relationships and plan to focus on positive aspects of relationships while attempting to eliminate gossip and other negative habits that are detrimental to honest friendships.  I will practice patience, support and giving.

I will create art by focusing on my writing through my classes in the UCLA Writers Program, this blog, a daily 2-minute journal and various writing experiences.  I will expand my creative experiences through any art form that becomes available and will be open to opportunities to  express myself through music, art and crafts.

This is my new nifty 2-minute timer.

2011 is a blank slate, a new beginning and a chance to “Embrace the art of living.”  My vision is clear and my plan is in place.  Feel free to share your plan for the New Year!  May it be a truly happy year for us all.

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November 12, 2010 · 7:50 pm

Stuff

 

This is a great site and series of short movies.

 

 

The question is:  “Why do we have so much stuff?”  I have heard that question from friends and relatives facing a move, and we ask that question of ourselves when entering the garage, opening a closet, opening a pantry, or simply looking around the room.  We have thirty years of accumulated objects that now have acquired meaning and memories, making them difficult to part with.

We started out our lives together living in a small guest house and though the confines of space limited our acquisitions, we had everything we needed:  a special book collection, a bed, a sofa, a small coffee table that served as a dining table as well, a dresser for each of us, a stereo and a television.  A couple of years later we moved to the “front” house on the same property and found ourselves living in the spacious two bedrooms, gaining a vintage 1940’s kitchen table and chairs, a lovely brass bed (purchased with my first tax refund) and now had a special music room for the drums.

Soon after our marriage, a job transfer requiring a longer commute led to a cross-town move to a small three-bedroom house.  We bought a nice sofa and love seat with some of our wedding money, inherited a round dining table from my parents and finally got to use the 1952 Gaffers and Sattler family stove!  With a washer and dryer, we settled into domesticity with a baby on the way.

We purchased our first house nearby, moving into it and the adult world, at the same time; when our daughter was a mere two weeks old, and though the house was only two bedrooms and one bathroom, we were in love with home ownership. The bones of the house were strong:  hardwood floors, an enchanting fireplace, a big backyard and a detached garage for a great music room.  The baby belongings took over the house and as small toys, a playpen, high chair, small eating utensils arrived we barely noticed the encroaching stuff as it oozed into our lives out of necessity; after all, we only had what we needed.

An opportunity to move into a larger home came and we moved across town again, back to our beginnings and into a three-bedroom house.  We were ready for daughter number two, and though it took a couple of years, she arrived and we were waiting for her.  We had the entire collection of baby items from daughter number one, and had expanded to outdoor play equipment, dolls and loads of pretend food, kitchen items, and dress-up clothes.  It was a child-centered home filled with fun and soon daughter number three arrived, moving into a shared bedroom. We still had the music room, and had gained something wonderful and new:  a computer.

After a devastating earthquake, we downsized to a small home nearby, but our stuff came with us and found a new home in the garage, known to many as an extra storage space.  Our cars lived outdoors to allow us to store stuff we couldn’t part with:  the vintage stove, an extra sofa, boxes of unknown things that wouldn’t fit into our new home and of course the regular tools of home maintenance.

Seven years later, with schoolwork saved, multiple dolls and their wardrobes, dress-up clothes, and a library of books acquired from my mother, now managing a children’s bookstore, we moved into our current home.  This home was large enough to hold our grown up family and my recently widowed mother.  There were six of us happily sharing a space, getting used to living together, sharing complicated schedules, meals and two households worth of stuff reduced and combined to form a new collection.  This is how we have remained.  Surrounded by memories, with a family that has now, once again shrunk to either the two of us, or four if it is winter or summer break and the girls are home from college.  The stuff is here and though we have great intentions, getting organized isn’t as easy as it sounds.  There are so many memories, things that seem necessary and of course the task of actually looking through everything is overwhelming.

Why do we have so much stuff?  I think it is because we have lived a full life and though I know it is time to take a hard look at what we have and what we need, the task is one that is easy to procrastinate as I sit looking fondly at my life’s memories.

 

 

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November 4, 2010 · 7:45 pm

Taking The Multi Out of Tasking

 

I guess I just can't do it all.

 

It has occurred to me lately that my life is a little like my Firefox browser which currently has nine tabs open across the top.  I am suffering from multi-task syndrome which is similar to attention deficit disorder except I am not just looking around when I am supposed to be concentrating on a task; I actually start doing new tasks before completing my original task.  I notice this especially when I begin to write and an idea pops into my head that sparks my curiosity compelling me to investigate the new idea, which inevitably leads to another idea, etc.  I am left feeling unfulfilled and uncompleted.

I am regressing back to my days of Baba Ram Dass and Be Here Now, when we were encouraged to be “in the moment,” to calmly experience where we were.  Focusing on breathing is a good start because it slows the body and allows the mind to focus on one thing-breathe in, breathe out, my mantra for slowing down.  This is just the beginning though, because I really find it challenging to just sit still and breathe for longer than fifteen minutes and I also really do have things to accomplish, which involves physically moving.  The next step is to stop the multi part of tasking, stop reading e-mail, stop checking Facebook, stop thinking of more things to add to my already too long list of things to do, stop starting new loads of laundry, stop snacking and stop veering off on Internet searches…at least while I am writing.  I am trying to learn to focus on one thing at a time and this is not easy for a “Type A” teacher, but I love a challenge.

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October 29, 2010 · 10:40 pm

Thinking About What We Are Meant To Be

 

“Everyone is smart, but if you tell a fish to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life thinking it is stupid.” – Albert Einstein

 

I am spending a lot of time thinking about life choices, paths and opportunities.  We often spend a large part of our lives trying to figure out what we are meant to do, or who we are meant to be.  I spend a lot of time watching children, being a teacher and all, and I think we need to tune into the natural, innocent “knowing” that children poses.  We try to make children conform to our preconceived notion of who they should be or to fit into the mold that the experts determine is right for children, what they should be able to do by a certain age, how they should learn, and how we can measure their knowledge.  But, what if they are wrong?  What if children are born to be something else, to learn in a different way and perhaps even to teach us?

Observation is a great tool that is often underutilized but always available.  The next time you have the opportunity to observe children at play, take the time to really watch their actions, interactions with other children and choice of play. Some choose solitary play, quiet time alone.  Perhaps they a retreating from an overstimulated life.  Some chose to softly sing or hum, giving their life a soundtrack, future composers in the making.  Some chose to recreate family situations that need more processing to understand totally.  Some choose to draw elaborate scenes of dream worlds or scenes of events from their past.  Children need to process information and they need the time and medium to do that without interruption of adult direction.  Play is the method through which children learn and they need time for unstructured, child-centered play.

Take the time to think like a child.  Instead of completing a list of “have too” tasks, create a list of “want to” activities.  Think like a child.  What will help you process your world?  A quiet walk along the shore?  A hike in the mountains?  A dance class or listening to a concert?  Sometimes creating art is a way to process reality.  For me, it can be all of these things, but writing is the way I process-thinking on paper.

Children are innocent and don’t rely on preconceived notions, just on immediate desire.  Their play erupts from ideas hatched spontaneously, relying on instinct.  Trust your children to know their path.  At the most, you will give them the gift of acceptance, at the least they will be happy trying.



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