Tag Archives: self-discovery

April 2, 2010 · 8:45 pm

Forgive

I’ve been tryin’ to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about…forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

Don Henley

Learning to forgive is a challenging lesson that often takes years of practice to perfect.  It begins when we are young and disappointed by an expectation unfilled.  The parents we thought were ever-providing suddenly forget what was most important to us, or the plans we had so hoped would happen.  Then in grade school, the best friend we loved with all our heart turns and befriends another, and in the hell of middle school, groups of friends revolve continuously forcing us to either learn to forgive and move on, reconnect or to spend the most difficult years of our lives in isolation.  In high school, romance is revealed and most often hearts are broken.  Learning to forgive and move forward becomes a well-honed skill.

We are forced to contend with our own thoughts, feelings and emotions, yet forgiving is often the path to take, the lesser of two evils.  The second being pent-up hostility and rage.  Who wants to spend life in sadness and anger?  I believe forgiveness is a necessary lesson and a skill to master for when we forgive others, we are really forgiving ourselves as well.  To think that acts and events are one-sided, or occur in isolation, is to error on the side of ego.  Things don’t happen “to” people, things that happen occur because of the energy, the actions, the thoughts of people, and what we must realize is that our actions have repercussions. Our actions cause events to happen.

Forgive:

1. to cease to blame or hold resentment against (someone or something)

2. to grant pardon for (a mistake, wrongdoing, etc.)

3. (tr) to free or pardon (someone) from penalty

4. (tr) to free from the obligation of (a debt, payment, etc.)

[Old English forgiefan; see for-, give]

Thinking about the word “forgive,” the central theme being to release from something, perhaps forgiving is really about the release of a hold you have on another person, whether it is emotional, financial or contractual.  That release serves the dual function of allowing one to release the obligation and to replace it with  free will.  When we are able to truly let go, and honestly forgive another, we have learned to be true to ourselves and to give the most selfless gift:  forgive.

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”

-Peter Ustinov


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March 31, 2010 · 8:47 pm

Believe

There are so many ways to say “believe.”  Thoughts Become Things, picture what you want, visualize, pray, to name a few.  The real truth is that to believe is to create, and that creation exists because of the energy you put into it through your thoughts.  This brings up the constant dilemma of channeling our thoughts towards the end result we want and learning to focus on the positive changes we want to make.  I think about this a lot.

How can we learn to train our mind to go down the positive path?  Is it so easy that we overlook it?  Is it simply a matter of directing all of our energy in a single, positive direction?  I like to imagine the belief as the pebble dropped in a still pond and the ripples expanding out as all of the parts of my life that will be affected.  The pebble, however, must be composed of molecules of hope, energy, faith, knowledge, and love.

The ingredients for this pebble are gathered from special places along the path.  Places that influence who we are and what we believe.  For me those places are yoga, meditation, prayer, walking, friendship, family, gardens, books, blogs, and shared conversations.  With these ingredients I become the catalyst for the ripples.


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March 30, 2010 · 5:35 pm

Care

Sometimes I think I care too much, but is that really possible?  I care about the many people in my life: friends, family, students, parent of students, my dog (well he is sort of like a person) and then of course there are the orphans in Haiti, and the women with breast cancer that I will honor in September while walking in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I care about people getting all that they deserve from life in the most pleasant manner possible.  I care that they are healthy and that they are able to contribute to world.

If I put the word “take” in front of “care” then it becomes another important message:  take care.  If we are to help others, we must first take care of ourselves.  Or maybe we must also take care of ourselves.  It is the message we get on airplanes about putting the oxygen mask on first so we are able to care for others.  To care about oneself is to realize that what you put into your body becomes your body, what you do with your body impacts your body’s ability to function and that your body is the home for your inner spirit while you reside here.

Care is also something we give as a gift to others.  When my mother was in Hospice, I was amazed by the compassion her caretakers had for her.  They barely knew her, yet they cared for her a gently as they would their own mother.  The tender touch we give a newborn, the comfort we give as we wrap our arms around an injured child, the casual caress we give our partner upon departure, all of these signs of caring are shown through tender, physical touch.
We can also demonstrate caring by taking the first step, calling first, being the first to suggest a get together, the first to send a comment, the first to offer to help, the first to volunteer.  We show we care by giving advice to others that will enable them to enrich their own lives, to improve their health and their future.  We demonstrate caring by cooking a special meal, buying a little treat for no reason, doing something nice “just because.”

We show we care when we relax, decompress our schedule, make time, when we sit on the beach with someone and just listen to the waves and watch the seagulls.  The ability to care is not reserved for humans, animals demonstrate caring and unconditional love, but we can express our caring with words and acts of kindness, and because we can, we must.

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March 25, 2010 · 10:06 pm

Finding Time

Where does the time go?

I am searching for time.  Recently I seem to be dwelling in an abyss of obligations, commitments and sleep deprivation.  Time eludes me and when I do find it, it travels swiftly through the hourglass, reminding me of that old soap opera, The Days of Our Lives.  How can I accomplish what I need to and what I want to?  I am convinced I have to restructure time and set new boundaries for myself.

1.  Limit time on the computer, specifically on social media.  Computers are time suckers.  They seem so efficient and helpful but in reality they are magnets that attract you and then hold you fast.  There is no such thing as “quickly checking your e-mail.”  To attempt to quickly do anything is to enter the labyrinth of the cyber world.  Exiting is a tricky task.

2.  Walk every day.  Walking allows for time to think, plan, wonder, imagine and enjoy the world.  Walking may seem like a time-consuming activity, but the benefits outweigh the time commitment.  The benefit of good health, improved attitude and clarity come along with the obvious benefit of the exercise itself.

3.  Learn to say “no.”  Saying “no” in order to stick to your own plan and your own schedule is different from saying “no” just because you are selfish, or self-involved.   You can help people, and do favors, but just learn to put yourself first and take care of your needs.

Three new rules are enough.  They provide the structure I need and if there were more rules, it would just take too much time anyway.



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January 28, 2010 · 9:08 pm

Commiting To Happiness

I made this butterfly cake to celebrate Hope's wonderful journey described in her book The Possibility of Everything.

Last night I spent the evening surrounded by some of my favorite women in the comfortable, serene atmosphere of my friend Sue’s home.  We had delicious potluck (somehow with this group there is always the right combination of food) and conversation followed by a great talk and description of her journey by Hope Edelman.  Her book: The Possibility of Everything is a fascinating story of trust, alternative viewpoints and hope. Hope writes in a most compelling way, and I felt involved in her story on many levels.  First of all, as a mother, I felt compassion for her struggles with her daughter and her commitment to help her daughter come out on the other side.  Secondly, I related to her role as a mother/wife/writer who has temporarily lost her sense of self.  Thirdly, her struggles with her relationship felt all too familiar, balancing time and the energy it takes to support modern lifestyles.  Hope inspired me to write more and to find out what my story will be.

Gretchen Rubin and Me at Vroman's Bookstore in Pasadena

Monday night I had  another literary adventure attending the book signing of Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project at Vroman’s Bookstore in Pasadena.  First of all, as my friend Danielle and I entered the store, audible gasps could be heard from us as we took in the amazing variety of wonderful things, books, cards, gifts and more books.  And, it’s two stories of wonderfulness!  We made our way upstairs in the elevator and enjoyed listening to Gretchen describe her realization of her need to create more happiness in her life. Reading both her blog and her book has motivated me to appreciate more, create what I need and to focus on happiness. We waited for the line to go down and got her signature in our books.  I even managed to have her write a note to my sister-who was unable to attend.  Spreading the happiness.

As we were leaving, we noticed that Friday night, Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame will be talking about and signing her new book, Commitment.  We got two books and two tickets and are looking forward to another night of book talk.

I want to be surrounded and embraced by books, words, new thoughts, random punctuation, other worlds and unforseen experiences.  And through some serendipity, I am.  My next task is to visualize myself as the writer, the creator and eventually the person giving the book talk.  Everything is possible with a commitment to happiness.

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January 18, 2010 · 2:32 pm

Mother Knows Best

Mom would be glad I realized this and it's not too late for you!

It is pouring today, and I don’t mean just pouring in California terms, but actual buckets of rain pouring down causing trees to fall and rivers to form in the streets.  The water is trickling down the beams in the living room and waterfalling down the fireplace.  As I got ready to venture out for an early appointment, I prepared by covering my cast with my Seal-Tight giant protector, wearing my mother’s calf-length London Fog raincoat and a cute knit cap that my daughter’s friend made for me, I looked like a taller version of my mother albeit with a gimpy leg.  My husband Gary said, “Your mom is still taking care of you.” and I realized that it is true, for as much as I resented her constant over-preparedness I have now come to appreciate it.  As Mark Twain said, “The older I get the smarter my father seems to get.”  In my case, it is my mother’s wisdom that I now cherish.

Hopefully it won’t take my own daughters quite as long to realize that I too have some words of wisdom to impart and each of them, in their own way are beginning to realize that.  So in the tradition of the many notes and reminders I leave my family, here is a short list of rainy day musings:

1.  Dress for the rain.  You really will feel better if you stay dry.

2.  Make your bed every morning.  You will feel like you are beginning your day and will be happy to come home to a neat room.

3.  Clean up as you go and absolutely before you go to bed.  No one really likes to wake up to a mess and it won’t look better in the morning.

4.  Take time to spend with those you love (including pets) because the memories will stay with you forever.

5.  Listen more, talk less.

6.  Expect the best but prepare for the worst, and that includes rain, earthquakes, fires and other impending disasters.  Oy!

Some of these I learned from my mother, and others are things I have learned from my own experience.  Wisdom can be compiled and gathered from many sources, but mothers are stronger than we look and know more than we are given credit for.

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December 27, 2009 · 7:07 pm

Selective Happiness

I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately and plan on doing my own Happiness Project starting on January 1st.  I have come to a few realizations about happiness.  H.A.L.T. is an acronym used by those fighting addiction to remind them to take care of their physical and emotional needs before seeking outside remedies.  They are told to ask, “Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?” because these are causes for seeking a cure for the negative feeling which is often detrimental to recovery.  I think this acronym is useful for those of us seeking a life with more happiness developed by the creation of habits and a life designed to support what we want and need to feel happiness.  Happiness is a feeling individual and specific to each of us, and must be cultivated.  Often in the retrospective age of 50+ we begin to reflect on life’s real importance, but I believe that bits of this insight can be achieved by those young adults willing to slow down and unplug long enough to allow themselves to get to know themselves and their feelings and desires.  Doing so could possibly provide a more satisfying life and certainly could lead to more happiness.

Happiness is not dependent on food, although it is easier to be happy when you are not hungry.  The amount, or category of food is not the key to happiness, though I have read research related to chocolate having certain qualities that release the “happiness” hormone serotonin.  Eating with friends and family is the experience that creates the feeling of happiness through the sharing of conversation, appreciating the food and slowing down to enjoy quality time with those we love.  Eating alone can also bring happiness allowing for a calm respite during a chaotic day, the appreciation of the qualities of the food (taste, texture, color) and time to rest from external conversation.

Happiness is not dependent on the external actions of others, it is the way we process and handle the actions, that allow us to maintain our feelings of happiness, and to avoid being sucked into feelings of anger.  It is possible to be disappointed, sad and angry and then to transform the energy of those feelings, through determination, and use the energy to fuel happiness.  We have to make choices in our lives and if we are harboring people in our lives that continually provide us with actions that disappoint, it is up to us to release these people from our lives, or to accept them with these qualities known.  Ultimately though, it is our choice to be happy.

Happiness is not dependent on external forces, in other words, it’s not the “stuff” that creates happiness, although the process of acquiring “stuff” might be a fun and happy experience, i.e. shopping.  It is more likely the combination of spending time surrounded by people, either friends, or those also spending some happy time at the mall.  How often have I arrived at home with my purchases and had buyer’s remorse, second thoughts and then returned the items?  Malls were created to provide the sense of community that has been lost in the expansion of our society and the isolation we often feel in our busy lives and the mall is the new town center complete with options for all of the senses.  The experience of shopping, or even just going to the mall, is the instigator for happiness, not the actual purchase.

Happiness is not dependent on relaxation and pampering ourselves because it is an internal feeling.  I think a day at the spa is wonderful and one of my favorite experiences of relaxation and pampering, but it does not equate with long-term happiness.  It is a temporary, “feel good” happiness.  Short-term happiness derived from haircuts, manicures and massages are valuable and there is a lot of research about the value of touch therapy.  I have utilized it myself during particularly trying times and still indulge occasionally, but happiness is not dependent on it.  Happiness is dependent on the body’s physical state to a certain extent and that is why it is important to be physically rested. When we operate on sleep-depravation, it is challenging to be upbeat and happy.  We are most likely craving the ability to just lie down and go to sleep.

The acronym H.A.L.T., though originated for those fighting addiction, can be useful for those of us seeking happiness as well, for while we can fairly easily point out what happiness is not dependent on, and how to avoid the pitfalls of false happiness, in doing so, the mystery to happiness is revealed. Happiness is self-dependent and within and the key to it is held by each of us, the choice to use it is ours. Unlocking our own happiness is a life choice that can lead to the creation of more happiness and the realization of what we want in our lives.

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December 25, 2009 · 3:10 pm

My Green Couch

Simple pleasures are always encouraged and we are told to focus on the things that really matter in life, not “stuff,” but people and time well spent.  There is, however, one “thing” I truly love and it represents some of the best time I spend.  It is my green couch.  I know it is not new and is tattered as a result of my dog sneaking up there to sleep in comfort when no one is home, and lately, even when we are home, the rascal!

The couch represents relaxation, time to myself and my favorite thing to do is to curl up under the plaid blanket with a good book and time.  I can get up early, before the family awakes, and sneak on the green couch, get settled under the blanket and luxuriate in the escape of a story, someone else’s adventure, problems or revelations.

As I gaze up occasionally, looking out at the trees swaying softly, the prayer flags we made last New Year’s blowing our wishes into the breeze, I sigh and sink further into the soft couch pillows, pull the blanket up to my chin and return to reading.  These are the times I treasure, when I can regenerate and rest my mind, the thinking turned in another direction and my life on temporary hold while I explore other possibilities.

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December 23, 2009 · 9:57 am

Jumping Hurdles

I finally feel inspired to write today, though it isn’t that I haven’t felt the desire; it is just that I seem to be on a continual racetrack, not just a normal race for speed or distance, but an actual hurdle race with continual hurdles popping up at unexpected times just when I think I can settle into a nice, steady walking pace.  I am counting my steps each day but my pedometer has no setting for the endless hurdles that cause me to miss steps as I leap to avoid knocking down a hurdle or end up splayed on the ground.  I have long legs and a stubborn will, so it would seem that I could leap effortlessly, but the spacing of the hurdles thwarts my stamina.

The latest hurdles seem to involve bureaucracies and the many workers in them who have no idea of either how to help or the correct answer to any question not included in the prepared script they are given to read from.  What ever happened to personal attention, workers who really understood their job, and those good-hearted souls who really had a desire to help people?  When did automatic, prepared answers take the place of people willing to help, investigate, ask someone else or take it upon themselves to take a task to completion?  Now the person on the other end of the phone will only provide a first name and employee identification, the same person never answers the phone twice and no one is really held accountable.

My job as a teacher operates in another universe it seems, for I am given the responsibility of caring for and educating twenty-four 5-year-olds for a ten-month school year, six hours everyday, teaching them all that is required by and spelled out in the State and District Standards.  If these students do not learn, I am held accountable.  Did I teach them?  Yes, but it is also my responsibility to make sure they actually learn and retain the information, get extra help if needed,communicate with parents to strengthen the connection between home and school, consider their self-esteem, and enjoy the learning process so much that they become “life-long learners.”  I am accountable for all of this and everyone knows where to find me.  They know my first and last name and where I spend each day and I have a principal who directly supervises me and assures the clients/customers (the parent and students) that I will do my job and they can count on results and the most important thing is, I really care about my job and I want to do the best job I can. I want to expect the same from others.

If I focus on the road ahead and watch for the hurdles, it is easier to see them coming, but there are other things in life besides staring down at the long road in front of you and if I take pause to look around and notice what others are facing, forgetting about my own hurdles for a while, when they pop up, I am surprised again.  That is the challenge: handling the surprises and it is also the exhaustion.  I was told yesterday to look at life a different way and to say “yes and” instead of “if only.”  The “yes and” is a way to stay in the moment and move forward, accepting the present but preparing for upcoming hurdles.

I have long legs and a stubborn will.

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November 10, 2009 · 11:16 pm

Take A Walk

 

IMG_0498

At times it just makes more sense to walk outdoors instead of on a treadmill, transfixed to a television screen exhibiting bad news or silly gibberish.  Walking outdoors forces one to be in the moment and in that manner can become a zen experience which can elevate both mood and spirit.

I took a walk the other day, around a lake located in the center of The Valley.  A hidden jewel that you would never know was there if you didn’t drive down the long meandering driveway.  Once inside the park, a world opens up.  A world of picnics, playgrounds, fishing, paddle boats, ducks, geese, and herons.  This world is a peaceful respite from the crazy world of cars, traffic, technology, responsibilities, worries and realities.  Walking around the lake offers a unique view around each bend and the sunset was the icing on the cake.  Brilliant orange, red and golden skies serve as a background  for silhouettes of the birds as they fluff their feathers in preparation for their night’s rest.

Walking allows the mind to free fall into areas not usually explored and when the spongy mind relaxes, solutions can enter.  If there are no solutions, at least the consequences don’t seem quite as dire.

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