Tag Archives: Moving Forward

Holding On-On Hold

FullSizeRenderToday is the third day in a row I have waited on hold with the Social Security office. I have received different information from every person I have spoken to and all insist I must talk to the original clams specialist with whom I met at my office appointment. The problem is that person omitted information, which caused me to file a claim incorrectly. It’s a moot point though since she will not pick up her line when I am transferred to it, answer messages from the interoffice system sent by the kind lady who answers the phone for questions, or return my calls from voice messages I leave or from the messages sent by the nice phone lady. The claims specialist’s mistake could potentially cost me thousands of dollars. I have sent in the needed paperwork but haven’t received confirmation of their receipt.

This is the 10th week I have spent making phone calls, being placed on hold, inadvertently (or perhaps purposefully) being disconnected and speaking to endless bureaucratic workers who really have no interest in me, my confusion or my grief. As the weeks slip by, I’ve memorized the music played by each institution as I wait on hold. I’ve been listening to the same music now for 25 minutes, but I know it oh so well from the many previous sessions.

This is the 50th day (not including weekends of course) I have spent wading through paperwork, trying to understand things I don’t understand easily and those I don’t want to have to understand. I am unraveling a life entwined and trying to get a grip on how to survive on hold.

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Comfortable Books

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The books are comfortable on their shelves. They are organized in the semi-haphazard way that works for me and since I feel comfortable surrounded by books, every room in my house (with the exception of the bathroom, which has a basket) has at least one bookcase. I grew up surrounded by books, being read to from birth, maybe even before, and I still have some of my original books, Goodnight Moon, Moy Moy (signed by Leo Politi with a water-color flair), The Umbrella, Lucy McLockett, The Birthday Party by Ruth Krauss, Harold and the Purple Crayon, and a collection of Beatrix Potter stories. I am not even sure that all of these books are still in print. They are on the top shelf as the crown jewels to my extensive children’s book collection.FullSizeRenderMost are too dear to part with and I can remember reading each one to my daughters during our traditional “three books before bed” story time each night. Of course, books were read during the day too, and kept in baskets, tubs and bookcases around the house for easy access. My mother managed a children’s bookstore for twenty years after she retired from teaching English and creative writing and found it impossible to visit my daughters without bringing a book for each one of them.  Leo Politi

 

 

The books are comfortable on their shelves. The dining room houses two tall bookcases filled with more mature memories, books belonging to my mother, then in her late 20’s and friends with Ray Bradbury, Norman Cousins (who was my godfather) and other young emerging writers of the time, those from my reading past and on a top shelf, the biographies of musicians that could suck Gary into reading. There are books with beautiful photography of Yosemite and hopeful gardening books for someday.FullSizeRender_2

The shelves of books are organized thematically: one bookcase holds the spiritual books, a bible from Gary’s bar mitzvah, and books seeking to answer the questions that seem to have no answers.  FullSizeRender_1

 

The books are comfortable on their shelves. The living room bookcase holds books more current, books about finances, organizing and an entire shelf devoted to books on writing. Most books here have been recommended by people I hold in high regard and whose opinions I respect, and though some have only been half-read, my stopping point noted by a bookmark, all have been started. The writing books have been read more than once and their exercises practiced to lend motivation during the times when I felt stuck or that I needed to expand. Some books here arrived as gifts of distraction, comedic books and popular books from the bestseller list to even out the fiction/non-fiction aspect of the bookcase.IMG_2049

The books are comfortable on their shelves. The small bedroom bookcase next to my bed holds treasured books, books that must reside close by, books with meditations to reflect on nightly and a few I need to look at just to regain a sense of composure and that feeling that friends are close by. Some stand tall and others rest on their sides, nestled together like long time family members who have lived together so long they take each other for granted. I don’t take them for granted and when I hold them, I remember when and why each one came into my life and take comfort in the special place they hold in my heart.FullSizeRender_3

The books are comfortable on their shelves. I was comfortable too, but now I find that I have to downsize, begin to purge or at least to sort through the lifetime accumulation of possessions in residence. I thought books would be the easiest things to start with, easier than say, clothes or mementos, but these books have personalities and they are so comfortable on their shelves. They look back at me and I find it hard to pick them up off the shelf and put them in a box. It’s just hard sometimes to say goodbye.

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Filed under books, change, Life thoughts, reading

Learning to Eat

Everything is unfamiliar. My husband of 34 years, Gary, died on April 21st and I find myself drifting, falling continually no longer sure of my life.  I know who I am, but who am I now as half of my marriage?  The huge, gaping hole is everywhere; in my living room, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, in the bedroom and sadly in Gary’s “drum room,” his sacred space of music and memories.  There is one car in the driveway and a closet half-filled with clothes that will never be worn by him again.  I don’t know what to do with these unnecessary spaces. I sit on my side of the couch, sleep on my side of the bed and use my sink in the bathroom.  There is too much emptiness.

Everything is unfamiliar.  I have to learn to eat again but eating at home requires shopping for food in the stores we used to frequent.  I find myself going to new markets void of memories, buying small amounts of food; two nectarines, three bananas, two individual containers of yogurt, almond milk for my coffee.  That should last a couple of days.  Other meals are eaten out or brought in.  I haven’t cooked in two months because cooking for myself doesn’t make sense.  Eating at our family kitchen table, the table that needed six chairs for many years because we were a family of six, including my mom, sharing conversations and meals, feels like I am merely giving my body fuel.  Our specialties:  taco night, huge salads, sautéed vegetables, linguine and clams, chili, delicious barbecue (Gary’s specialty), my mother’s family recipes of chicken, pot roast, brisket and of course latkes, now seem like distant memories.  I find myself wondering why I need a fully stocked kitchen.

Everything is unfamiliar.  The bookends of my day, the good mornings and good nights, have vanished and the stillness of a quiet house is louder than I ever could have imagined.  There is endless space and it is energetically empty.  Half-finished books and others waiting to be read and gathering dust are finding their way to the “give away” box.  Those are the easy things to part with and I tackle them first.  Anything that has no particular memory attached to it is easier to let go of.  Papers are the best because so many are unneeded and so easy to shred.  I am seeking lightness and this helps.

Everything is unfamiliar.  I find myself evaluating my own clothes and books.  What do I really need?  Will I ever read that book again?  Do those clothes make me feel good or are they just around because they are still wearable and I feel guilty getting rid of perfectly good clothes?  I need to feel good, feel pretty, and feel like I am somehow still the me I have always known.  I need to feel that all of my possessions have a meaning, are beautiful or serve a purpose and that there is somehow an order in this chaos of my life.

Everything is unfamiliar.  Learning to eat is sometimes easier while on the couch watching TV.  Making plans with friends at the end of the day is a way to have something to look forward to.  I am falling, with moments of touching down on new experiences thankfully providing moments of distraction before I begin to fall again.  I am drifting from task to task, unable to focus very long on any one thing before I am overwhelmed with sadness, or sometimes lately, anger at the unfairness of it all.  I make lists each day of things I need to do, have to do, or want to accomplish and long for list-free days filled with fun and adventure. I daydream of a new, familiar life that will allow me to breath deeply and relax with an exhale. I will learn to eat again, at restaurants with friends, at my daughters’ houses, on the couch watching TV, maybe at the kitchen table enjoying a cooked meal.

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Looming New Year

 

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Maria Robinson

I heard this quote during my wonderful Weight Watcher’s Meeting with Michelle Jacob last Saturday, and though I have heard it before, this time it sunk in.  I have been thinking about positive ways to move on, move forward and what I want to change for the New Year.  This is often a time of reflection, my usual pastime, which is accentuated during this time of year because so many others are putting energy in the same place.  I am creating a list of changes and here is the beginning of my list:
 
1.  Write more:  I am happiest when I do this and actually have begun to crave writing time, which must mean it is really something I need to do for my soul.
2.  Practice Yoga (more often):  This is another happy place for me and one that has great physical and emotional benefits.  Turning off my incredibly active “monkey mind” for an hour a day….
3.  Letting go: This is a general category that includes stuff, emotions, weight, and habits.
4.  Look for more natural ways to heal:  A concerted effort to investigate better health through more natural solutions like Save Our Bones, meditation, and a better, plant-based diet.
5. Create what I want:  which includes manifesting, doing, writing and discovering what is important to me.
 
The past is a magnet, pulling at us to look back, go back and revisit old stories, but really, once we have learned the lesson, and gone through the emotions, what good does it do to revisit?  The quote about the past is gone, the future is unknown and today is a gift (present) is a bit overdone, but the message is clear.  For one who thrives on control, I am coming to the conclusion that I can only control myself.  My mission for this new year is to offer the gift of change to myself and see what happens.

 

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New

     Welcome to my new blog theme! It has been ages since I have written and I am jumping back into the saddle, keyboard in hand.  The past months have been filled with letting go and moving on and now that things are settling in,  I am finally ready to start thinking and feeling again instead of just going through the motions of making things happen and keeping things going.
     I was ready for a change here too so I explored the WordPress themes and am trying this one out.  Please let me know what you think!  Comments are encouraged.   I am sitting here in my new writing space, a room with a view.  Right now I just see night-time shadows and lights twinkling in the distance but the comforting sounds of the occasional owl or airplane interrupting the otherwise silence of the night is a welcome change from the previous more populated location of our former home.  The newness is everywhere and the settling in work is constant, but I am at peace here and the hills are great to come back to.  I am just getting my feet wet tonight and I hope you are all still out there to read what I write and give me your opinions and feedback.

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Life is not always a bowl of cherries.

It occurred to me the other day, that the saying “life is a bowl of cherries” is a little confusing.  Taken literally, comparing life to a bowl of sweet, plump fruit, I am confronted with the basic fact that life certainly isn’t always sweet and ripe with potential.  Life can be sweet and I can think of many sweet events in my life: my wedding day, the births of each of my three daughters, watching recitals, concerts and musicals my daughters performed in, bat mitzvahs, and graduations.  Like cherries, those events and moments are small, bite-sized bits of deliciousness, a little fruit, eaten in one bite, but life is also filled with hidden dangers, little landmines, hazards, and potential debilitating stones on our path to happiness and contentment.

Cherries really rise to the occasion when they reside in cherry pie, sweet, kind of sloppy and held safely within a firm crust.  I can trust these moments because the crust guarantees that the cherry filling won’t slide away.  I can enjoy it all, licking the plate if I want to, no morsel wasted. 

Cherries are delectable in jam, pureed into sweetness that I can spread on more solid bases and use it to make the most ordinary, special.  The memories evoked by the smell and the taste of the cherries take me to places where I enjoyed the first bite of summer fruit, long lazy summer days when I had nothing more to do than enjoy a bowl of fresh cherries. 

The hidden part of cherries, the pit within, is a reminder that even the sweetest parts of life have peril, sometimes, hidden inside of “normal” events are parts of life hard to deal with and dangerous to swallow.  There are times when our bodies betray us and hide deadly disease, and times when a toxic secret is revealed in a relationship.  There is nothing to do with a pit, swallowing it can choke the life out of you. The only reasonable thing to do is to spit it out and move on to the next bite. 

Cherries offer the best surprise when they are hidden among other fruit.  A fruit salad filled with flavors, some tart, some tropical and then, when you are least expect it, a sweet, ripe, juicy cherry, a reminder that the variety of flavors in life offers chances and challenges, changes and character building opportunities.  If all of our experiences were prepared for us, pitted, where would the excitement be?  Predictability has a place, but I prefer to live in awareness, being present to the moment, pits and all.

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To Get Things Started…Move Forward

 

The "circle" of life.

 

We have recently been having some traffic snafus on Topanga School Road, leading to traffic gridlock at dismissal time.  After Caltrans came out to take a look, they discovered that drivers were not moving forward onto the circular signal monitors and the lights were not triggered to change.  This was causing endless frustration for drivers trying to leave the cul-de-sac School Road, and the children who were waiting for their parents, stuck at the bottom of the hill to pick them up.

It reminds me a lot of life.  We spend a great deal of time politely waiting behind the white line for something to happen in our lives when simply moving forward can trigger the change we are looking for.  It might take just a little effort.  We might have to take our foot off the brake and coast a little, but once we roll onto that circle, the signal light can turn green.  We can move forward and after all, who knows what is around the next curve?

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Empty House

I just came home to a very quiet house that suddenly feels a bit too large.  Two of the three bedrooms are uncharacteristically clean and the remnants of food I don’t really eat sit in the refrigerator and on the shelves of the pantry.  Charlie (the dog) is looking around for the commotion that is no longer here and peeking out the window, looking for approaching cars that are parked in different cities now.  The house is quiet.  It is time to take stock of the house and the still too numerous belongings, sift through, clean up and organize.  I have no excuses now, there are few distractions.  I have a few months to make the belongings of this house moveable and shed unnecessary, little used items.  Change comes slowly and is not often noticed until it pounces on you, demanding submission.  It is so much simpler to drift along living in the moment, certainly a desirable state, but current times demand looking in the mirror, reality checks and revamping.  The quiet house is patient and the belongings beg for a place in the future.

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Cleansing the Body and Soul

If only it were as easy to cleanse the soul as it is to cleanse the body.  Not that the detox cleanse is without thought or a bit of work, but the amount of work it takes to confront memories, to delve into unresolved issues of the soul and to come to terms with current reality is much more complicated.  I am sitting in what was my mother’s living room on the sofa from our soon to be gone mountain cabin.  I am surrounded by an atmosphere thick with emotions and tinged with slight sadness.  This is the room where two summers ago, I sat on my mother’s couch, rubbing her tired legs, reading her stories from the StoryCorp book I got her for her August birthday.  This is where we shared secrets and memories, losses and dreams.  This is where she revealed her feelings and fears to me and while I am grateful for that time and the fact that I devoted the summer to her and really being present while with my mother, I am angry that I didn’t get more time, ask more questions and hold her more.

Loss is a tricky partner that pokes its head up at various times in our lives.  It is two-faced and can be cherished or disastrous.  Loss, as in weight loss, is usually a welcome friend not easy to obtain and the loss of toxins in the body-as in detox cleanse-is a challenging but rewarding experience.  The loss of a person, however, is heavy, pronged with memories, and unsaid words of love.  The only way to prevent these feelings for me is to participate in a voluntary cleanse of my material life, and to focus on the emotional part of my life-that which is important.

I have two categories for my personal cleanse challenge:

To Keep:

Family (relationships)


Friends (relationships)


Sentimental items

Legally required papers


Books I will read again

To Let Go:

Clothes that are outdated or don’t make me feel good

Knickknacks that have lost their meaning

Unnecessary gadgets

Unnecessary papers

Books that are a one-time read


That is a good, manageable start.  Five items.  My new motto being:  “Don’t delay, a shelf a day.”





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Forgive

I’ve been tryin’ to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about…forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore

Don Henley

Learning to forgive is a challenging lesson that often takes years of practice to perfect.  It begins when we are young and disappointed by an expectation unfilled.  The parents we thought were ever-providing suddenly forget what was most important to us, or the plans we had so hoped would happen.  Then in grade school, the best friend we loved with all our heart turns and befriends another, and in the hell of middle school, groups of friends revolve continuously forcing us to either learn to forgive and move on, reconnect or to spend the most difficult years of our lives in isolation.  In high school, romance is revealed and most often hearts are broken.  Learning to forgive and move forward becomes a well-honed skill.

We are forced to contend with our own thoughts, feelings and emotions, yet forgiving is often the path to take, the lesser of two evils.  The second being pent-up hostility and rage.  Who wants to spend life in sadness and anger?  I believe forgiveness is a necessary lesson and a skill to master for when we forgive others, we are really forgiving ourselves as well.  To think that acts and events are one-sided, or occur in isolation, is to error on the side of ego.  Things don’t happen “to” people, things that happen occur because of the energy, the actions, the thoughts of people, and what we must realize is that our actions have repercussions. Our actions cause events to happen.

Forgive:

1. to cease to blame or hold resentment against (someone or something)

2. to grant pardon for (a mistake, wrongdoing, etc.)

3. (tr) to free or pardon (someone) from penalty

4. (tr) to free from the obligation of (a debt, payment, etc.)

[Old English forgiefan; see for-, give]

Thinking about the word “forgive,” the central theme being to release from something, perhaps forgiving is really about the release of a hold you have on another person, whether it is emotional, financial or contractual.  That release serves the dual function of allowing one to release the obligation and to replace it with  free will.  When we are able to truly let go, and honestly forgive another, we have learned to be true to ourselves and to give the most selfless gift:  forgive.

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”

-Peter Ustinov


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