Tag Archives: loss
Loss
Filed under change, Family, Life thoughts
A Sense of Smell
Sometimes I wonder how smells can so influence my life. We are all familiar with the memory trigger of a well-loved song, or the feeling of looking at a picture, a snapshot of a time and place enshrined in photo paper, but smells often elude conversations of memories.
Have you had the experience of getting a whiff of a familiar perfume and having a scene from the past jump up as if it were yesterday? I can conjure up an image, a person, a time and place when I walk into a room and a familiar scent wafts over me like a warm blanket, an old friend. This happens to me daily when I walk into my “mothers” part of our home and truthfully, I do it so I can “feel” her through the comforting aroma of…what? I am really not sure what it is that I smell, two years after her passing. It is true though, and my sister backs me up on this one. She now owns my mother’s dresser and says that every time she opens a drawer she feels mom is there. I wander into her living room, bedroom, office or bathroom and feel a wave of sentimentality, but also one of comfort and reassurance. I cannot bear to think of leaving the scent and happily drive her ten-year old car for the same reason.
We bask in the memories of those we love and have lost for one reason or another, a favorite recipe, coming home to a kitchen filled with the smell of brisket or waking up to fresh coffee brewing. These are the smells I cherish. So sometimes, I just sit in mom’s living room, gazing lovingly at her favorite books, still on the shelf (I will read them all), her tea-cup collection and the photos of her as a college graduate, a bride, a wife of 25 years, a grandmother, and breathe deeply, filling myself with memories and love.
Filed under Family, Life thoughts, Mom
Cleansing the Body and Soul
If only it were as easy to cleanse the soul as it is to cleanse the body. Not that the detox cleanse is without thought or a bit of work, but the amount of work it takes to confront memories, to delve into unresolved issues of the soul and to come to terms with current reality is much more complicated. I am sitting in what was my mother’s living room on the sofa from our soon to be gone mountain cabin. I am surrounded by an atmosphere thick with emotions and tinged with slight sadness. This is the room where two summers ago, I sat on my mother’s couch, rubbing her tired legs, reading her stories from the StoryCorp book I got her for her August birthday. This is where we shared secrets and memories, losses and dreams. This is where she revealed her feelings and fears to me and while I am grateful for that time and the fact that I devoted the summer to her and really being present while with my mother, I am angry that I didn’t get more time, ask more questions and hold her more.
Loss is a tricky partner that pokes its head up at various times in our lives. It is two-faced and can be cherished or disastrous. Loss, as in weight loss, is usually a welcome friend not easy to obtain and the loss of toxins in the body-as in detox cleanse-is a challenging but rewarding experience. The loss of a person, however, is heavy, pronged with memories, and unsaid words of love. The only way to prevent these feelings for me is to participate in a voluntary cleanse of my material life, and to focus on the emotional part of my life-that which is important.
I have two categories for my personal cleanse challenge:
To Keep:
Family (relationships)
Friends (relationships)
Sentimental items
Legally required papers
Books I will read again
To Let Go:
Clothes that are outdated or don’t make me feel good
Knickknacks that have lost their meaning
Unnecessary gadgets
Unnecessary papers
Books that are a one-time read
That is a good, manageable start. Five items. My new motto being: “Don’t delay, a shelf a day.”
Filed under Life thoughts
Life’s Meaning
“This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one…The being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.”
~ George Bernard Shaw
Friday, the 13th. Is this a day of questionable luck, or a culmination of a year and a half of a life gone in such an unexpected direction? The whining and grievances have been kept at bay, and the desire to just hide and burst into tears of frustration and loneliness carefully curtailed for a year and seven months. My purpose is clear and I continue to strive to be a force of nature; in my work, my dreams, my responsibilities. But, what happens when the force is just not enough to break through the wall? What happens when starting over doesn’t hold the magic and promise of the beginning of a great new adventure? What happens when starting over is just an overwhelming amount of work, stress and sadness? If the world is not to devote itself to making us happy, is it intent on making us struggle?
Filed under Life thoughts
Start With A Title
This is the advice I have been waiting for as a title has been floating around in my head for quite some time. Now is the time to begin my story, and the title is:
“How To Lose Everything Without Losing Yourself”
It began when I realized that life is not after all, a fairy tale, and there is no knight riding up on a white horse to rescue me, take care of me and provide for me for the rest of my life. I am not sitting on a throne, commanding subordinates to fetch the items I desire, or wandering among the roses in my lovely garden. In reality I am rising early to get to work on time and then returning to my simple abode to take care of the household chores and it is this realization that snaps me out of my dreamlike state that began with simple childhood stories and fairy tales.
Through life seemed full of disappointments when this bubble burst, it was really the beginning of a transformation and having recently emerged from the fog of 18 months of sliding down a long hill and from down here at the bottom, there is nowhere else to look but up.
To be continued…….
Filed under creative writing, Life thoughts
BetweenTheWords 