October 12, 2016 · 10:02 pm
Today, Yom Kippur, the day of forgiveness and the beginning of a new year, we were together. The traditional fasting ended early in the afternoon. We have suffered enough this year and were ready for a day of togetherness. My daughters and I found the familiar and rested in memories at Mort’s Deli where we had gone so many times with my parents and with Gary. We went to Bea’s Bakery and stocked up on our favorites and then drove the familiar s-curves to the beach. We sat on the sand reading, the books we had brought and the family Yom Kippur book we have read together since the girls were small. We found comfort in the stories and sang Oseh Shalom together. As a treat, we enjoyed cupcakes and cookies. I looked out at the ocean, across the sand, and realized I was looking for someone who wasn’t there.
Somewhere on this Planet
I look around for you or a trace of you
But there is none
And then I remember that you are gone
Not just gone, but evaporated
And I realize that I have spent most of my life looking for you
Or waiting for you
Or with you
There is no more time spent together
Or time getting ready for
Or time searching
There is only time.
And never-ending waves
And beaches dotted with tiny bird tracks
And smooth, stacked beach rocks
As worn as I feel.
Every holiday is the first without Gary, and though we fill our senses with the familiar, there is nothing the same about these days.